Fix

No don't act like a mentor now
Where we're you when I couldn't touch the ground
I'm just another mug shot
Off these streets
The one no one really cares for me, deep
I've reaching for these drugs for so long
My soul, me myself is lost, way gone
Can't blame anyone but myself
I pulled the trigger
I asked for this slow corrosion
This slow unpredictable death
Yes I know a little more gets me higher
I've become the ultimate liar
But at least at the end of the day I get that fix
I can lay down
Smile
This is it

Remission

It gets better, boy does it get better.

This is most likely the last post, ever.

Put full faith in your Dialectical Behavioral Therapist. Trust them and you shall be trusted back. Though I know it is hard and harsh, you will get through this.

I love you.

      Kirsten Boileau

I am here if you ever need me: http://www.facebook.com/kirsten.boileau

Message Me if you need even the littlest thing.

Love with the fullest of hearts- Kirsten

I want

To rip my ribcage out...just to get to my heart...to make sure I have one.

Wednesday, January 5, 2010

Oh God, I want to hurt myself so bad.

Saturday, January 1, 2010

I need to find someone real, then life can go on.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

How can I forget you, when you are telling her the same things.
Wait I am over you, it's the things you did I'm trying to get over.
I fucking died in your arms once... and you never checked on me.
You left me in 6,600 something debt.
I could never hate you, but God dammit I can get close to it.

Friday, December 24, 2010

I found a light.
It's so bright, it can keep me going.
For the first time I can say I'm kinda happy.
I met someone.
And he is the one showing me the light.
He makes me have a honest laugh.
He makes me actually smile.
He shows me there is hope in life.
That I can survive.
He showed up out of nowhere and blew me away, we have so much in common.
Well he's now in my life and I hope he'll never go away.

He amazes me...

Truth

BPD is ruining my life.

A) You always have it, but in early adulthood it comes out so bad

B) It ruins all my relationships with friends and family

C) You don't stop hurting yourself, till you end up dead

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Keep replaying the song I killed myself to a couple suicides back.
Can't stop.
The pain is getting too much.
I don't think I am going to last.

Someone save me...

Thursday, December 16, 2010

The treads holding me together, are being torn apart.
Something big is going to happen soon...
I just don't know what...

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Do you know what it's like to want to die every moment of your life, but you have to push that thought to the back of your head? How you want to hurt yourself so bad just to get the feeling of some sort of sick release. I do. And I am starting to slip again I can feel it. I just wish and hope I can hold on till Friday, that's when I have my next psych appointment.


I'm falling back down fast...

Monday, December 13, 2010

I fear myself,
Because I fear I am not in complete control.
Right now the darkness in my head,
Is stronger than my normal part.
What if I can't control the urges?
I'm falling again.



I'm scared.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

6 months of Dialectical Behavour Therapy starts soon. Have to drive an hour twice a week to the appointment because she was the closest therapist to me. The therapist I was going to was my long time therapist and says I need to go to a doctor who specializes just in (DBT) therapy. Wow, six months. :|

Sunday, December 5, 2010

With BPD we need to constantly see facial changes, if we just see a neutral face, we make up what the face means even though no one can actually tell what it is since it's neutral. But we think we did something wrong, or they don't care about me, they don't understand anything, we basically think of the worst thing someone could be thinking at the time.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

I don't know if I can do this therapy. I have to write down all my traumatic events in my life, and make them a story, just add a happy ending. SO it won't seem so traumatic, but let me tell you open wounds came coming out and I wanted new wounds but I told my sister to hide my razorblades, am I ever going to get better? Is this how it is going to be throughout the whole therapy, if so.... I doubt I can handle it.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

When I see pictures of myself that I have taken, I see someone so beautiful it could make you skip a breath or two. But when I look in a mirror I hate the image I see. I want to take a knife and start cutting my face up. How could I see myself beautiful in a picture but in real life I see myself so ugly? Well I got ditched today for the forth time and and I felt horrible about myself and I'm thinking "Oh I am probably just too ugly they don't want to be seen with me". Which takes me back to looking in the mirror. Tonight I almost did it, I almost sliced my face up to see the real image I see. But I stopped and ran and got my dad. I sat down with him and broke down and told him everything and how I was feeling. He made me feel better. He helped me realize that that girl in those pictures are me. So I had to push the thought of me in the mirror to the back of my head. It's still so hard to live with this disorder but with small steps I can get better. As I see as a result today, I can do this.

I will do this.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

I feel this tight feeling in my chest, like a heavy feeling.
But it's not as bad as the other times.
So maybe I am getting stronger?
But I am still having the constant battle in my head.
But I am winning?
I am so confused.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

The thing is
why I kill myself
all the sudden
I feel true hopelessness
feel nothing
not pain
no hurt
no happiness
truly empty
and then I just get a feeling or a voice kinda telling me it's my time to go
So I kill myself

Monday, November 29, 2010

My dad found me faced down on the floor. Faint pulse. He called 911. And by the time the paramedics got there, my breathing stopped completely. They rushed me to the ambulance and incubated me (Breathing tube). I was in ICU for 5 days. When they took the breathing tube out they gave me water right away. Which I guess you don't do because you lung airway is still open. And water got in causing pneumonia. They gave me an antibiotic, but I happen to be allergic and went into kidney failure. I got better and they decided to take me off the medicine and fluids, and I shot right back into kidney failure. After 13 day I get medically clear and move onto the mental ward where I spend 3 days.

I have decided to make a drastic change. This time I am not going to a bottle of pills when I have a problem, I am going to face it. I don't know if you remember but I promised my dad he would not be the one to find my body, and he did. The way he explains it kills me. So it made me want to change. To fight BPD. I am going into intensive therapy that I actually started today and I am reading a helpful book and I don't feel so alone, the book makes me realize people go through the same things as I do.

I don't feel strong. And I am having a constant battle inside. But people who do this therapy Dialectical I am doing, have a good shoot into going into remission. So I do have hope. And God do I hope that is enough. I'll keep you updated as I go through therapy. Please know that people don't always die from physical issues but mental also, just as much. So yeah someone may die of cancer, but also think of the person who took their life. I think more people need to realize that....

Love, Kirsten

The Plan

1) Wait till my parents and sister is asleep
2) Grab Klonopin & flerxeril bottles
3) Grab keys to the car and sneak out
4) Drive to secluded area
5) Take pills
6) Fall asleep
7) Die