I feel this tight feeling in my chest, like a heavy feeling.
But it's not as bad as the other times.
So maybe I am getting stronger?
But I am still having the constant battle in my head.
But I am winning?
I am so confused.
I Finally Found Myself.
- Kiki Stop Breathing
- My name is Kirsten Boileau. I have no idea who I am. I lost myself along time ago, if you can even say it was myself I knew. This life I lead scares me and the life ahead scares me even more. I am really hard to figure out and I am too easy to say goodbye to. Some people say I change their lives, and I do, I ruin them. So it's best to never get to know me. I say I am complex but most of that is due to my Personality Disorders, not me myself. You will never know what I am thinking, because my mind is forever changing, as is my life. I might be here one day and leave the next. I'm a wanderer, so please step back and let me go. Because things never do really change, do they?
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
The thing is
why I kill myself
all the sudden
I feel true hopelessness
feel nothing
not pain
no hurt
no happiness
truly empty
and then I just get a feeling or a voice kinda telling me it's my time to go
So I kill myself
why I kill myself
all the sudden
I feel true hopelessness
feel nothing
not pain
no hurt
no happiness
truly empty
and then I just get a feeling or a voice kinda telling me it's my time to go
So I kill myself
Monday, November 29, 2010
My dad found me faced down on the floor. Faint pulse. He called 911. And by the time the paramedics got there, my breathing stopped completely. They rushed me to the ambulance and incubated me (Breathing tube). I was in ICU for 5 days. When they took the breathing tube out they gave me water right away. Which I guess you don't do because you lung airway is still open. And water got in causing pneumonia. They gave me an antibiotic, but I happen to be allergic and went into kidney failure. I got better and they decided to take me off the medicine and fluids, and I shot right back into kidney failure. After 13 day I get medically clear and move onto the mental ward where I spend 3 days.
I have decided to make a drastic change. This time I am not going to a bottle of pills when I have a problem, I am going to face it. I don't know if you remember but I promised my dad he would not be the one to find my body, and he did. The way he explains it kills me. So it made me want to change. To fight BPD. I am going into intensive therapy that I actually started today and I am reading a helpful book and I don't feel so alone, the book makes me realize people go through the same things as I do.
I don't feel strong. And I am having a constant battle inside. But people who do this therapy Dialectical I am doing, have a good shoot into going into remission. So I do have hope. And God do I hope that is enough. I'll keep you updated as I go through therapy. Please know that people don't always die from physical issues but mental also, just as much. So yeah someone may die of cancer, but also think of the person who took their life. I think more people need to realize that....
Love, Kirsten
I have decided to make a drastic change. This time I am not going to a bottle of pills when I have a problem, I am going to face it. I don't know if you remember but I promised my dad he would not be the one to find my body, and he did. The way he explains it kills me. So it made me want to change. To fight BPD. I am going into intensive therapy that I actually started today and I am reading a helpful book and I don't feel so alone, the book makes me realize people go through the same things as I do.
I don't feel strong. And I am having a constant battle inside. But people who do this therapy Dialectical I am doing, have a good shoot into going into remission. So I do have hope. And God do I hope that is enough. I'll keep you updated as I go through therapy. Please know that people don't always die from physical issues but mental also, just as much. So yeah someone may die of cancer, but also think of the person who took their life. I think more people need to realize that....
Love, Kirsten
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
The Plan
1) Wait till my parents and sister is asleep
2) Grab Klonopin & flerxeril bottles
3) Grab keys to the car and sneak out
4) Drive to secluded area
5) Take pills
6) Fall asleep
7) Die
2) Grab Klonopin & flerxeril bottles
3) Grab keys to the car and sneak out
4) Drive to secluded area
5) Take pills
6) Fall asleep
7) Die
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