Thursday, December 30, 2010

How can I forget you, when you are telling her the same things.
Wait I am over you, it's the things you did I'm trying to get over.
I fucking died in your arms once... and you never checked on me.
You left me in 6,600 something debt.
I could never hate you, but God dammit I can get close to it.

Friday, December 24, 2010

I found a light.
It's so bright, it can keep me going.
For the first time I can say I'm kinda happy.
I met someone.
And he is the one showing me the light.
He makes me have a honest laugh.
He makes me actually smile.
He shows me there is hope in life.
That I can survive.
He showed up out of nowhere and blew me away, we have so much in common.
Well he's now in my life and I hope he'll never go away.

He amazes me...

Truth

BPD is ruining my life.

A) You always have it, but in early adulthood it comes out so bad

B) It ruins all my relationships with friends and family

C) You don't stop hurting yourself, till you end up dead

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Keep replaying the song I killed myself to a couple suicides back.
Can't stop.
The pain is getting too much.
I don't think I am going to last.

Someone save me...

Thursday, December 16, 2010

The treads holding me together, are being torn apart.
Something big is going to happen soon...
I just don't know what...

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Do you know what it's like to want to die every moment of your life, but you have to push that thought to the back of your head? How you want to hurt yourself so bad just to get the feeling of some sort of sick release. I do. And I am starting to slip again I can feel it. I just wish and hope I can hold on till Friday, that's when I have my next psych appointment.


I'm falling back down fast...

Monday, December 13, 2010

I fear myself,
Because I fear I am not in complete control.
Right now the darkness in my head,
Is stronger than my normal part.
What if I can't control the urges?
I'm falling again.



I'm scared.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

6 months of Dialectical Behavour Therapy starts soon. Have to drive an hour twice a week to the appointment because she was the closest therapist to me. The therapist I was going to was my long time therapist and says I need to go to a doctor who specializes just in (DBT) therapy. Wow, six months. :|

Sunday, December 5, 2010

With BPD we need to constantly see facial changes, if we just see a neutral face, we make up what the face means even though no one can actually tell what it is since it's neutral. But we think we did something wrong, or they don't care about me, they don't understand anything, we basically think of the worst thing someone could be thinking at the time.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

I don't know if I can do this therapy. I have to write down all my traumatic events in my life, and make them a story, just add a happy ending. SO it won't seem so traumatic, but let me tell you open wounds came coming out and I wanted new wounds but I told my sister to hide my razorblades, am I ever going to get better? Is this how it is going to be throughout the whole therapy, if so.... I doubt I can handle it.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

When I see pictures of myself that I have taken, I see someone so beautiful it could make you skip a breath or two. But when I look in a mirror I hate the image I see. I want to take a knife and start cutting my face up. How could I see myself beautiful in a picture but in real life I see myself so ugly? Well I got ditched today for the forth time and and I felt horrible about myself and I'm thinking "Oh I am probably just too ugly they don't want to be seen with me". Which takes me back to looking in the mirror. Tonight I almost did it, I almost sliced my face up to see the real image I see. But I stopped and ran and got my dad. I sat down with him and broke down and told him everything and how I was feeling. He made me feel better. He helped me realize that that girl in those pictures are me. So I had to push the thought of me in the mirror to the back of my head. It's still so hard to live with this disorder but with small steps I can get better. As I see as a result today, I can do this.

I will do this.