I Finally Found Myself.

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My name is Kirsten Boileau. I have no idea who I am. I lost myself along time ago, if you can even say it was myself I knew. This life I lead scares me and the life ahead scares me even more. I am really hard to figure out and I am too easy to say goodbye to. Some people say I change their lives, and I do, I ruin them. So it's best to never get to know me. I say I am complex but most of that is due to my Personality Disorders, not me myself. You will never know what I am thinking, because my mind is forever changing, as is my life. I might be here one day and leave the next. I'm a wanderer, so please step back and let me go. Because things never do really change, do they?

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Saturday, September 25, 2010

My chest fills like a ton of bricks are on it, or either a giant has picked me up and is squishing my ribs. It hurts to breathe. And I am finding it even harder to fall asleep at night. I got on Klonopin and that helps a little. It makes me not think as much? Like I'm a zombie of some sorts? But when I let my mind wander a little too long, the pain comes back, even worse.

When will the pain ever stop?

I want to stop hurting...

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Thursday, September 23, 2010

I'm falling away and loosing myself in the process. I have no where to go, since nobody wants me. I am hiding these tears, but I can't hold them all. Now they are all flowing and I can't get them to stop. I am so hollow inside a feeling for none. Asking over and over is it ever going to stop.

I hate my life.
I hate myself.
I hate everyone.
I just hate.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Saturday, September 18, 2010 (Part 2)

I really hate how everyone thinks I'm like (depressed, angry, ect.) because of my ex boyfriend Julian. I was going down when I was with him. That is one of the reasons why we aren't together, I didn't want to bring him down with me any longer. I don't want to bring anyone down with me. But I always seem to do, and I hate it.

People care, that's the problem. They barely know you, but they see you write something depressing and all the sudden care about you. Thinking "maybe I'm the person who will end up saving her". I mean it's nice that they can care, but they don't even know me. And they can't save me this time, no one can.

I have a plan, and I am going to stick to it. I know how I am going to die and when it's going to happen. That is a secret I am not going to share with anyone. This is my life and I am going to be the one to decide what to do with it. And living is not on the top of my list.

My Step-mom asked me if I have a bucket-list and I said no. Now I am thinking about the stuff I want to do before I die and I am still coming up with nothing. I promised her that I would see her again before I die. Because I did her hair and she had a friend who killed himself after he did her hair.

I feel so numb and empty, it scares me. But it also reassures me. Reassures me that I will go through with the plan. No one wants to live a hollow life with a side of numbness, do they?

I don't....

Saturday, September 18, 2010 (Part 1)

Sorry I haven't written in awhile. I didn't have internet for 3 days. Except on my phone and I didn't want to write on that. And I didn't feel like writing because I have been so low.

I was right I do have Borderline Personality Disorder, but I have also Bipolar I. I found out it's common to have BPD and Bipolar at the same time.

So I'm fucked.

They uped all my medicine and took me off Equetro. Let's see what that does.

This last week, has been so hard. I couldn't drive anywhere, because I was afraid I was going to smash into a car. So my parents had to drive me everywhere. And I couldn't be alone, because I was scared of what I would do. So my family had to chaperon me.

I am so fucked up.

And I have no clue of what to do.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Sorry I didn't write yesterday, I was busy and didn't get the chance sadly. But yesterday I hit a break through. Finally, I have some hope. I went and read Wikipedia about Bipolar to see if there was anything else I could try, since this medication is not working. I saw that Bipolar is often misdiagnosed as Schizophrenia or Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I had no idea what BPD was so I automatically thought "Oh my god, I'm schizo" (which there is nothing wrong with being.) I decided the only way to find out was try and find a test online to see what mental disorder I have. And I found a good one, it was like 200 questions long. I got my results, and I was shocked. It said I had BPD. So I decided to look it up. I read it and if there could be any picture to fit the description, you would see my face. It fit me to a tea. I looked up another test (just for BPD) and with just 9 questions it was hook, line, and sinker.

1 )My relationships are very intense, unstable, and alternate between the extremes of over idealizing and undervaluing people who are important to me.

(I have never been in a stable relationship, it was always breaking up and getting back together.)

2 )My emotions change very quickly, and I experience intense episodes of sadness, irritability, and anxiety or panic attacks.

(This one fit me the best. With bipolar you mania is always "happy" mine was always anger, then back to depression. I also have been diagnosed with anxiety.)

3 )My level of anger is often inappropriate, intense and difficult to control.

(Had to go to anger management. I have no control over it. Like I said, I feel like a monster, and I hurt people when I am angry. But I always thought it was just to make them hurt like me.)

4 )Now, or in the past, when upset, I have engaged in recurrent suicidal behaviors, gestures, threats, or self-injurious behavior such as cutting, burning or hitting myself.

(Hello? Suicidal? Yes!! And I cut too, but haven't in 3 months.)

5 )I have a significant and persistently unstable image or sense of my self, or of who I am or what I truly believe in.

(I always say I lose myself, and remember what I said about looking in there mirror? I hate the image I see, so I avoid mirrors.)

6 )I have very suspicious ideas, and am even paranoid (falsely believe that others are plotting to cause me harm) at times; or I experience episodes under stress when I feel that I, other people or the situation is somewhat unreal.

(I always think people are out to hurt me first, so that is why I push them away, so they don't get a chance to.)

7 )I engage in two or more self-damaging acts such as excessive spending, unsafe and inappropriate sexual conduct, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating.

(This one is easy, I always put my life in danger, because I want to die. And my one escape is speeding on the interstate, where I know I won't be pulled over. I even close my eyes with the windows down.)

8 )I engage in frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment by people who are close to me.

(People always thought I had a dependent disorder, that explains why.)

9 )I suffer from chronic feelings of emptiness and boredom.

(Can I tell you enough how empty I feel inside? Here is is again I feel hallow!)

So maybe I am not medicine resistant. Maybe it is because I am taking the wrong medicine. Maybe I am not Bipolar, maybe I do have BPD.
They scary thing is With Bipolar I disorder the suicide rate is 1.0%, with BPD, it's 8-10%....

Friday, September 10, 2010

Friday, September 10, 2010

I don't even know what to say, or where to start. I really just don't know anything anymore. My lows are so hard to get through. And they are happening all the time. I have never had such rapid cycles... so why do I have them now? I am so confused. I'm getting scared of myself. Scared of my thoughts. Scared what I can end up doing. I will never hurt anybody if you are thinking that, I'm talking about myself. Everyone keeps saying it get's better. Stay positive. But no, it hasn't gotten better, and no I can't stay positive.

I found myself looking more at suicide. I downloaded a book, it's in french and is not translated english. The title translated into english is "Suicide, the Right to Die". In the back of the book there is a list of pills you can overdose on for a painless-know-you-will-die death. But the more I think about it, I think "Wow, this would be it. No more Kirsten. This would be the very VERY end of it all." And honestly I don't feel scared. And I don't mind the thought of no longer existing. I know if I die now I will be ready.

I can no longer tell how much more I can hold on. No longer see hope. And when hope is gone, just about everything is gone. I just feel so empty inside. So hollow. And the little bit that I have inside me, is sorrow and pain. Something feels like it is gnawing at my heart, constantly, no stop. I know if I die, I will hurt so many people. But that is why I have been preparing them. That is why I told them. Why I promised my parents they would not be the ones to find my body.

I need help, but there is no helping the damned.
Like I said, I knew I was going to end my life by my owns hands when I first tried to end my life at 16.
There is no saving me...

I've tried everything. I have been in therapy since I was 11. They have tried everything. And nothing has helped. Honestly, tell me if you would want to live a life like mine. Tell me you could be strong. Tell me you would fight when there was absolutely no hope.

There is just no helping me....

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Thursday, September 9, 2010- To Julian

I'm going to do something a little different tonight. I'm going to finally tell you who Julian, then I am going to write him a letter. Though I know he will never read it.

I didn't know why I have been thinking about him so much lately, then I figured it out. I have been so down, and Julian is the only thing in this world who was able to bring me up. Julian was my best friend. Julian was my fiancee. He was and forever will be the love of my life. We dated for about a year and a half. But like all others my bipolar and sudden outbursts and the breaking up and getting back together was too much. I have nothing bad to say about that boy, because he was the closest thing to perfect I have ever met or seen. And I regret the fact that we broke up more than anything in this world. I miss him. I always will. We don't talk anymore because I broke his heart. I hurt him so bad. I killed him. And I failed him. He said if I ever try to talk to him again, he'll call the cops.

You want to know the fucked up part? That when I feel the worst, the lowest, all I can think about is "God I really hope Julian is okay, and his life is good." I really want the best for him, he deserves it. I just wish I could talk to him. God it kills me. Literally is killing me.


I failed you. And that hurts so much to say. We promised each other not to fail. And I did. I broke up with you for the last time. And I regret that more than my life it's self. I killed you, but you are not the only one who died that day. Without you there hasn't been a ray of sun. Without you I will never see the sun again. I am so sorry for everything I did, from the bottom of my heart. I want you to know I appreciated everything you have every done for me, for us. I just had the worst way of showing it. I am so sorry about the dogs. If I could go back in time, I would have never brought Zuki, thus meaning never getting Mojo. I'm sorry I was mean, manipulative, cruel, and hurtful. I have no idea why I pushed you away. And I will ask that till the day I die. Which I feel is sooner than I thought. Please remember the memories we shared. Please remember the warmth of my smile, since it has shown since we said goodbye. Remember my laughter, which hasn't been heard since you left. Julian I'm going down here. And I glad you left when you did, so I wouldn't be able to bring you down with me. And I'm so glad you aren't around to see me like this. Julian I am dying inside. And I will end up dying by my own hands. I just wish you would let me have a chance to say goodbye one last time.

I love you Julian
Forever and Always
Your Wifey

Goodbye Julian D Acevedo

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Woke up today, not really tired at all the rest of the day... which is unusual. I have no idea if my pills are actually starting to work, or if I'm just starting to go into mania. But the day was gooooood. Went to my ankle doctor, he gave me the okay to walk in my regular shoes, with the orthodics in them, that is. So no more boots, unless I start getting achie and whatnot.

Then got met my parents and off to Orlando. The school is letting back in. So I will be starting on the A side, which is Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday... No longer Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. Which I am stoked for because I can work better places now AND my 21st birthday is going to be on a Friday in March. After we got that good news, we went to my parents friends house in Apoka, she is going through a divorce and it is literally eating her up. It's sad. Reminds me of how I was when Julian and I broke up. Oh I should talk about Julian and how he fits into the picture, but not now. That will take a lot out of me.

After a nice meal with my parents we headed home. And once I got home. I got totally pissed. First I had to pee really bad, and my freak of a sister has to lock every door lock in the house when she is home alone, so I had to fumble with the locks and she didn't even get up to help me. Her arse was on the computer with her laptop. Second she didn't take out my dogs all day so someone peed on my pillow and Zuki (who has accidents because of bladder problems) took her diaper off and it was dirty on my bed. Shit hit the fan then. I am still getting over how mad I am.. well was. Cara (my sister) is never home, so I take her dog out all the time, so she doesn't shit herself in her cage. No more. That dog can live in it's poop for all I care, I AM NOT TAKING IT OUT! She doesn't even deserve a dog. She doesn't take care of Bella (her dog), my dad does.

And ways... I need to cool down....

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Damn is it already Tuesday? Tonight I have reached the point I was waiting for, full numbness. I no longer for sad or happy. But numb. I slept all day again. I wanted to sleep even more, but I couldn't keep my eyes shut much longer. I really don't know what to write when I am in this kind of mood. There feels like there is nothing at all to say, so I won't.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Monday, September 6, 2010

So I was right, I didn't sleep at all last night. But I sure did sleep all day. No matter how much I sleep though, it feels like it is never enough. And it was a slumber filled with nightmares. Filled with him. I woke up sweating, with Death lurking over me.

My life is full of disappointments. I really wanted to go to Orlando tonight, but yet again a disappointment. Why do I even give myself the hope? It was so perfect no plans tomorrow so I could have stayed the night. But whatever. Nothing I can do now. I go back to Orlando Wednesday to see if I can even go back to school. And I'll be with my parents so I know I won't get to see any of my friends in O-town. If I can't go back to school I will be broken beyond repair. I love Aveda and I want to finish my education there. No one else even compares.

Wednesday I also find out if I can walk without my boots on. I have been walking without them, but I would get my shoes so my heels won't hurt in regular shoes. I had both achilles tendons stretched three inches because I was a tippy toe walker, and they never grew the right size.

I know eventually I will die by suicide. I knew that ever since I was 16 when I first tried to die. I just don't know when that is going to happen. But boy has it been on my mind lately. I'm trying to stay strong, but you can only fake a facade for so long.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Sunday, September 5, 2010 (Part 2)

I can already tell I won't be sleeping tonight. It's been storming outside, and raining I unno. Rain it's self gets me down. I have no idea what I'm going to do, I'm kinda sick with the laying in bed all night tossing and turning just trying to find the right position to fall asleep in. Even though it never happens. I'm not quite understanding why I can't sleep. I sure feel really depressed.

I feel really bad. I pushed a really good friend away, permanently. I think so at least. I want to. I just end up hurting people. I don't want to. I have no idea why, but deep down I think it is because I want them to feel my pain. I guess I am selfish in that way. I cried a lot today. More than usual. I'm kinda getting to the point of feeling so down that I start to feel numb. I like that part, at least I feel nothing. No pain. Apathetic.

With all this sleeplessness my jaw has been clinching down. I don't know if anyone else with insomnia gets that, but it hurts really bad. My sister was suppose to get dinner with me tonight. But like I said she doesn't care. She thinks a lot of the stuff I do is for attention, but she'll realize soon enough I was really in this pain. Emotional pain is the worst. With physical there is always a remedy. Like Tylenol or ice. Emotional it's not so easy.

Another thing that is bothering me is the thought of Julian. I can't get him out of my mind. Everything reminds me of him. I hope he is doing better than me. I really hope he still cares. Maybe he can save me? Or maybe I am not worth saving?

Sunday, September 5, 2010 (Part 1)

Okay, I admit it. Last night I was a little over dramatic. But I was planning to kill myself. The was another sign and that was a cop car sitting in the place I wanted to do it. So I just went home. I told my parents last night that I am going to most likely die by my own hands. They took it pretty hard, but who's parents wouldn't? My Grandma is in the hospital, I saw her today. And man did it just make me feel worse inside. I am going down an ever lasting spiral, and I know I am the only one who can pull myself out, but I just don't know how. I didn't sleep at all last night, again. And surprisingly I had a Manic fit for about 2 hours. But I just crashed back into this low of lows. I fell asleep though at 3 and sleep somewhat well till now. Four hours.. that's not bad. Tonight I am just going to stay in tonight. I am not ready for the outside world again. For friends again. Last night was too much.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Saturday, September 4, 2010 (Part 3)

Ever feel like you need a sign. A sign to show you to live, or a sign I'm searching for... a sign to die. A signal to tell you "it's time". I think I found the sign I have been waiting for tonight. People don't understand what bipolar is. They never will, NEVER. There was a group of kids at the party (I ended up going) who were joking around about his girlfriend being bipolar when I brought it up to someone I was talking to. Then Chris said 95% of girls are bipolar. I was so hurt and every time I tried to explain that it's not a joke and a true struggle. They laughed. I got in George's face I held so much back, I wanted to hurt him so much physically, just so he can feel an ounce of what I felt inside. I have never been so hurt in my life. It's like joking about a crippled or cancer. No one understands. No one ever will. It will forever be a joke for someone who is being moody of PMSing. Fuck this. Fuck my life. I don't want to live anymore. And this was my sign.

Saturday September 4, 2010 (Part 2)

Josh isn't going to the party so neither am I.

I guess I should lay out a serious part of me that happening. Remember that Death is haunting me, well this is what Death is to me.

I will never over dose again. NEVER. Too much work, and I always got caught OR I just never seemed to die no matter how much I took. So when I talk about Death, I mean about the ways to die. I have the perfect way to die in mind. In my eyes. And when Death comes talking to me, I listen (sometimes). It is so hard to ignore. I'm not saying I would never kill myself. Because honestly I think the ways things are going I might just be dead by 30 and by my own hands. But not anytime soon. You should see me. I lay in bed all day only waking up to cry in a ball. I'm hurting my dad, because he sees how much pain I am in, and that hurts. So much hurts right now. SO much I can't bare it. I don't know how I didn't off myself yet. I guess there is a small piece of me that lingers onto hope. My sister and my mom don't seem to care what's going on. Only my dad sees how bad it's gotten, and I see even fear in his eyes, fear he'll lose me. I guess he might even see the fear on my face. The fear that it could happen. My mom comes in and out of my room and tells me to read this book, it mentions suicide and what happens when people kills themselves. Thanks mom, that all?

Supposedly she believes that when you kill yourself you stay here. And you walk around constantly saying you are sorry to your love ones, because you really didn't want to die. With the people you love not being able to see you, but you being able to see them. You know what, if God can forgive a criminal on death row if he says "I accept Jesus as my Personal Savior", then the criminal goes to Heaven after killing 20 children? Then why can't this God forgive someone who struggling so much in life that their only way out to them is too die? He can't forgive them? What kind of God is that? Not mine. You have no idea what true hopelessness feels like, and until you do, you have no room to talk. People (like my mom) say God gives you only the struggles that you can handle.... then why is there people who are killing themselves because they can't handle life?

Uh, anyways. Suicide is selfish. It really is. Then why do I keep trying to do it?
My parents, will be devastated if I ever do it again. I doubt there is anything I can say in this world to make them understand what I am going through. I'm struggling and to me it's so hard to find someone who understands, which makes it so SO much harder on me. I have no one to talk to about these feelings. My friends would just stare about me like I am so crazy chick, which I feel like I am. But I can't talk to them like I would want to. So this is partly why I am writing this diary... to get it all out. And hopefully it might just save my life.

Saturday September 4, 2010 (Part 1)

Today I went out of the house, and I will not forget how bright it seemed. Maybe it was just brighter today, or it could be from being cooped up in the house and not seeing the sun. I went to go eat lunch with Jerry and Josh. Man was it good to see them, but so hard to face them. I see how much they want to help me and see how much they want to see my smile. But it’s not me inside right now; it’s this depression that is taking over me. I see and hear everything, but it’s like I’m not here at all? Jerry brought up the “mirror” thing again. He wants me to stand in front of a mirror and tell it that I’m happy, people love me, and that I love people and me. The problem is I can’t seem to face the mirror. And I know people love me and I know I love people. But I don’t love myself. I know I don’t and I know I never will. Because I am the only one who see ALL my flaws. I hate myself for every flaw I have. I can’t help it. I know deep down inside and out I will never love myself. I don’t want to look in the mirror anymore than I have to, because I hate what I see.

I was getting really upset at the restaurant I wanted him to stop; I wanted to scream STOP IT. But I didn’t its Jerry and he thinks he knows me better than I know myself. But he hasn’t seen me undressed, he doesn’t know about those scars. No I haven’t cut in three months, but I still have those scars to remind me of what I did. They remind me of how much I hate myself. How much I hate all the health problems I have, hate my mental problems. I can never be normal. I never will. And that kills me more than anything. I just wanted to cry when he was talking to me, I couldn’t even look him in the face; I needed to take him home. And I did.

I am such a good person, I am. But all I think is about all the bad stuff I have done. Maybe I am saying all of this because I didn’t sleep last night. It was awful. Lying down, tossing and turning. Death on my mind again, eating me, devouring all my hope. Because most of the time, I feel like I have no hope. And that is when it gets the hardest. I am supposed to be going to Jimmy’s 21st birthday party. But I don’t know, I look like shit, and I can’t handle another shower, and I’d have to look in the mirror to put make up on…. I have no idea what to do. I hate when life gets like this. It takes so much motivation to just do the simplest thing. I guess I’ll go to the party. I’ll write later and tell you how it went…

Friday, September 3, 2010

I took a shower for the first time in six days. I have no idea why I couldn’t muster the courage to get in. Back in forth I would get undressed turn on the water, just to turn it straight off again. It’s hard for me to see why the first thing to go when you get into these depression spells is hygiene. I use to take two showers a day! Showers were somewhat a sanctuary; I would lie down in the shower and let the steam carry away all my sorrows. I just can’t see why I can’t just get into the shower anymore. It scares me. I don’t even remember the last time I brushed my teeth. It’s like I am rotting away, and honestly all I hope is that the rotting hurries up. Death has popped into my head in out again. Nothing I do these days can push it permanently out. So it was bound to come around again, as it always does. First it’s like a little thought, and then it takes over. It sometimes becomes overwhelming. That is when I pop in another sleeping pill and go off to la la land. I slept pretty well. Almost the whole day, which is what I am aiming for so I don’t have to worry about anything except dreams, but sometimes I am even haunted there.

I have been on my new medications for five days and all I notice is the mania is suppressed. I guess I should let you into my world and tell you what I have. My whole life, I have been a little off, a little angry, with frequent outburst. My mother thought it was just because of red dye (which does increase anger with children with ADHD). But my out burst where so big and so HUGE that my parents had to restrain me. They had to change the lock on the door, just so they could lock me in. Something was wrong with me and I knew I would have this trouble my whole life, and I was right. At the age 16 I was officially diagnosed Bipolar, ADHD, OCD, Conversion disorder, Anxiety and many other psychological problems. At the age I am now (20) I am now diagnosed with another and the worst diagnosis there is to have in my view. Treatment Resistant Bipolar I disorder. Which you can go and read about because I am just going to go over the basics.

1. Treatment Resistant means medicine does not work
2. Bipolar I is the more dangerous of the two polars, you reach full mania
3. You have to be on special medication

So I have just been given Geodon and Equetro five days ago. Both for Treatment resistant da da da da da. And so far still in the deep low. They said it may take up to four weeks, so all I can do basically… is wait. Equetro can make me very sick fast, so I need to get my blood drawn every week to make sure I don’t get sick. So it also makes me look like I have tracks. Yay, the benefits of this drug. This is my last hope, so I hope it works. Anyways back to bed.