Sunday, October 24, 2010

A conversation between me and a friend.
A closer look at me.




Me:
I don't fully understand how to control myself in certain situation
I don't know who I am
Or what I have become
I'm afraid of the words that come out of my mouth
because they can be the sweetest things
or cut you in half
I push everyone away
usually hurtfully
and expect them to come running back when I need them
I can be mean and I am manipulative
And I usually always get what I want
and if I don't I don't let it go until I do
I can hate you one second
and love you so much in the next
If you do me wrong I hold grudges like no other bitch
Julian doesn't even talk to me because I hurt him too bad, he doesn't even want to say one word, he won't even let me say I/m sorry
I am a destroyer

My friend:
you are human

Me:

I wreck my family
my friends
and myself
I may be humna
human
but I have a personality disorder that can take over and turn me into a monster
I can not help what I do when my anger comes over me because I depersonalize I dissociate my body from my mind and can not stop
I see the crying hurt faces
but I have no control over myself when it gets that way
I am a really difficult person to understand

and I doubt anyone ever will even myself
I am scared everyday of what it is going to be like
and what is going to happen
Most days I lie in bed until I can't stand it any longer
I only leave my room when I have to
or get an urge to see friend
I am a sweet girl with destructive ways
I want you to know that
the real girl is not the sweet one you get most of the time
the real girl is sweet and destructive at the same time
And when I am angry
and I see the person cry
or hurt
I laugh
I can't control it like I said, depersonalization
but I am working on it
Well trying
But so far, nothing
except a sedative pill that makes me a zombie
that helps contain my anger and outburst and everything else
But dammit
I'm trying for once in my life

My Friend:
keep trying then i think sounds like a plan

Me:
But if I fail...
I will kill myself again

My Friend:
no fail. failure is not an option

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Julian called.
Just when I was glueing myself together, he breaks me.
I just hanging on by a thread.
And my good friend well best friend wasn't there when I needed him the most.
He better have a damned good excuse.
My friend David has been helping me escape.
He made me feel happiness.
He made me feel alive, human.
We have our late night adventures.
Well had, now his girlfriend got in the way.
So now without him...
Am I going to lose those feelings?
I'm scared to find out.
Because right now I am at my weakest,
And the slight brush can blow me away.

Help me.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Things have been pretty rough, I'm not going to lie. Yesterday I got released out of a mental facility, where I spent 3 shitty days. Late Friday night, early Saturday morning, I decided to cut my wrist. I lost 2.5 pints of blood. But I didn't die. My organs started to fail and it was such an excruciating pain. Horrible. And I never want to die in a painful way. So I screamed out to my parents, who ran in. Just to find my walls and my floor and me covered in my own blood.

We had had a family fight that night, and nothing got resolved, so I went to bed to think and that's when suicide started consuming me. And boy did I let it. And oh boy did it feel good. I am so glad to be home but I hate it so much at the same time. I'm happy because I can see my friends, but not happy I have to be in the same house as a certain someone.

I met a kid in there named Austin, he's really a good guy. And I think he helped me out a lot. Especially when this old crazy lady grabbed my wheelchair and I went flying backwards, he caught me. So no cracked skulls. And this kid actually lives pretty close to me.

Honestly, to tell you the truth, I'm scared. Petrified of life, of where I am going and what is to come of me. I'm scared to find myself. Scared for tomorrow and the day after that and the days after that.

I feel like I am drowning.

I want to see the grey lining in every cloud.
I want to see myself happpy.
I want to be positive.

Is that ever going to happen though?
Or am I going to keep on drowning?

I want to save myself.
But it feels like I can't do it alone.

Someone please save me.
Please...

Sunday, October 3, 2010 (Part 2)

This fits my feelings.

I'm coming up only to hold you under
I'm coming up only to show you wrong
And to know you is hard and we wonder
To know you all wrong, we were

Really too late to call, so we wait for
Morning to wake you; it's all we got
To know me as hardly golden
Is to know me all wrong, they were

At every occasion I'll be ready for a funeral
At every occasion once more is called a funeral
Every occasion I'm ready for the funeral
At every occasion one brilliant day funeral

I'm coming up only to show you down for
I'm coming up only to show you wrong
To the outside, the dead leaves, they all blow (alive is very poetic)
For'e (before) they died had trees to hang their hope

At every occasion I'll be ready for the funeral
At every occasion once more is called the funeral
At every occasion I'm ready for the funeral
At every occasion one brilliant day funeral

Sunday, October 3, 2010 (Part 1)

I have no idea what to do. And I have no idea what is going on.