I Finally Found Myself.

My photo
My name is Kirsten Boileau. I have no idea who I am. I lost myself along time ago, if you can even say it was myself I knew. This life I lead scares me and the life ahead scares me even more. I am really hard to figure out and I am too easy to say goodbye to. Some people say I change their lives, and I do, I ruin them. So it's best to never get to know me. I say I am complex but most of that is due to my Personality Disorders, not me myself. You will never know what I am thinking, because my mind is forever changing, as is my life. I might be here one day and leave the next. I'm a wanderer, so please step back and let me go. Because things never do really change, do they?

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Sunday, October 24, 2010

A conversation between me and a friend.
A closer look at me.

I don't fully understand how to control myself in certain situation
I don't know who I am
Or what I have become
I'm afraid of the words that come out of my mouth
because they can be the sweetest things
or cut you in half
I push everyone away
usually hurtfully
and expect them to come running back when I need them
I can be mean and I am manipulative
And I usually always get what I want
and if I don't I don't let it go until I do
I can hate you one second
and love you so much in the next
If you do me wrong I hold grudges like no other bitch
Julian doesn't even talk to me because I hurt him too bad, he doesn't even want to say one word, he won't even let me say I/m sorry
I am a destroyer

My friend:
you are human


I wreck my family
my friends
and myself
I may be humna
but I have a personality disorder that can take over and turn me into a monster
I can not help what I do when my anger comes over me because I depersonalize I dissociate my body from my mind and can not stop
I see the crying hurt faces
but I have no control over myself when it gets that way
I am a really difficult person to understand

and I doubt anyone ever will even myself
I am scared everyday of what it is going to be like
and what is going to happen
Most days I lie in bed until I can't stand it any longer
I only leave my room when I have to
or get an urge to see friend
I am a sweet girl with destructive ways
I want you to know that
the real girl is not the sweet one you get most of the time
the real girl is sweet and destructive at the same time
And when I am angry
and I see the person cry
or hurt
I laugh
I can't control it like I said, depersonalization
but I am working on it
Well trying
But so far, nothing
except a sedative pill that makes me a zombie
that helps contain my anger and outburst and everything else
But dammit
I'm trying for once in my life

My Friend:
keep trying then i think sounds like a plan

But if I fail...
I will kill myself again

My Friend:
no fail. failure is not an option

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