I Finally Found Myself.

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My name is Kirsten Boileau. I have no idea who I am. I lost myself along time ago, if you can even say it was myself I knew. This life I lead scares me and the life ahead scares me even more. I am really hard to figure out and I am too easy to say goodbye to. Some people say I change their lives, and I do, I ruin them. So it's best to never get to know me. I say I am complex but most of that is due to my Personality Disorders, not me myself. You will never know what I am thinking, because my mind is forever changing, as is my life. I might be here one day and leave the next. I'm a wanderer, so please step back and let me go. Because things never do really change, do they?

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Things have been pretty rough, I'm not going to lie. Yesterday I got released out of a mental facility, where I spent 3 shitty days. Late Friday night, early Saturday morning, I decided to cut my wrist. I lost 2.5 pints of blood. But I didn't die. My organs started to fail and it was such an excruciating pain. Horrible. And I never want to die in a painful way. So I screamed out to my parents, who ran in. Just to find my walls and my floor and me covered in my own blood.

We had had a family fight that night, and nothing got resolved, so I went to bed to think and that's when suicide started consuming me. And boy did I let it. And oh boy did it feel good. I am so glad to be home but I hate it so much at the same time. I'm happy because I can see my friends, but not happy I have to be in the same house as a certain someone.

I met a kid in there named Austin, he's really a good guy. And I think he helped me out a lot. Especially when this old crazy lady grabbed my wheelchair and I went flying backwards, he caught me. So no cracked skulls. And this kid actually lives pretty close to me.

Honestly, to tell you the truth, I'm scared. Petrified of life, of where I am going and what is to come of me. I'm scared to find myself. Scared for tomorrow and the day after that and the days after that.

I feel like I am drowning.

I want to see the grey lining in every cloud.
I want to see myself happpy.
I want to be positive.

Is that ever going to happen though?
Or am I going to keep on drowning?

I want to save myself.
But it feels like I can't do it alone.

Someone please save me.

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