I Finally Found Myself.

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My name is Kirsten Boileau. I have no idea who I am. I lost myself along time ago, if you can even say it was myself I knew. This life I lead scares me and the life ahead scares me even more. I am really hard to figure out and I am too easy to say goodbye to. Some people say I change their lives, and I do, I ruin them. So it's best to never get to know me. I say I am complex but most of that is due to my Personality Disorders, not me myself. You will never know what I am thinking, because my mind is forever changing, as is my life. I might be here one day and leave the next. I'm a wanderer, so please step back and let me go. Because things never do really change, do they?

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Sorry I didn't write yesterday, I was busy and didn't get the chance sadly. But yesterday I hit a break through. Finally, I have some hope. I went and read Wikipedia about Bipolar to see if there was anything else I could try, since this medication is not working. I saw that Bipolar is often misdiagnosed as Schizophrenia or Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I had no idea what BPD was so I automatically thought "Oh my god, I'm schizo" (which there is nothing wrong with being.) I decided the only way to find out was try and find a test online to see what mental disorder I have. And I found a good one, it was like 200 questions long. I got my results, and I was shocked. It said I had BPD. So I decided to look it up. I read it and if there could be any picture to fit the description, you would see my face. It fit me to a tea. I looked up another test (just for BPD) and with just 9 questions it was hook, line, and sinker.

1 )My relationships are very intense, unstable, and alternate between the extremes of over idealizing and undervaluing people who are important to me.

(I have never been in a stable relationship, it was always breaking up and getting back together.)

2 )My emotions change very quickly, and I experience intense episodes of sadness, irritability, and anxiety or panic attacks.

(This one fit me the best. With bipolar you mania is always "happy" mine was always anger, then back to depression. I also have been diagnosed with anxiety.)

3 )My level of anger is often inappropriate, intense and difficult to control.

(Had to go to anger management. I have no control over it. Like I said, I feel like a monster, and I hurt people when I am angry. But I always thought it was just to make them hurt like me.)

4 )Now, or in the past, when upset, I have engaged in recurrent suicidal behaviors, gestures, threats, or self-injurious behavior such as cutting, burning or hitting myself.

(Hello? Suicidal? Yes!! And I cut too, but haven't in 3 months.)

5 )I have a significant and persistently unstable image or sense of my self, or of who I am or what I truly believe in.

(I always say I lose myself, and remember what I said about looking in there mirror? I hate the image I see, so I avoid mirrors.)

6 )I have very suspicious ideas, and am even paranoid (falsely believe that others are plotting to cause me harm) at times; or I experience episodes under stress when I feel that I, other people or the situation is somewhat unreal.

(I always think people are out to hurt me first, so that is why I push them away, so they don't get a chance to.)

7 )I engage in two or more self-damaging acts such as excessive spending, unsafe and inappropriate sexual conduct, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating.

(This one is easy, I always put my life in danger, because I want to die. And my one escape is speeding on the interstate, where I know I won't be pulled over. I even close my eyes with the windows down.)

8 )I engage in frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment by people who are close to me.

(People always thought I had a dependent disorder, that explains why.)

9 )I suffer from chronic feelings of emptiness and boredom.

(Can I tell you enough how empty I feel inside? Here is is again I feel hallow!)

So maybe I am not medicine resistant. Maybe it is because I am taking the wrong medicine. Maybe I am not Bipolar, maybe I do have BPD.
They scary thing is With Bipolar I disorder the suicide rate is 1.0%, with BPD, it's 8-10%....

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