I Finally Found Myself.

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My name is Kirsten Boileau. I have no idea who I am. I lost myself along time ago, if you can even say it was myself I knew. This life I lead scares me and the life ahead scares me even more. I am really hard to figure out and I am too easy to say goodbye to. Some people say I change their lives, and I do, I ruin them. So it's best to never get to know me. I say I am complex but most of that is due to my Personality Disorders, not me myself. You will never know what I am thinking, because my mind is forever changing, as is my life. I might be here one day and leave the next. I'm a wanderer, so please step back and let me go. Because things never do really change, do they?

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Sunday, September 5, 2010 (Part 2)

I can already tell I won't be sleeping tonight. It's been storming outside, and raining I unno. Rain it's self gets me down. I have no idea what I'm going to do, I'm kinda sick with the laying in bed all night tossing and turning just trying to find the right position to fall asleep in. Even though it never happens. I'm not quite understanding why I can't sleep. I sure feel really depressed.

I feel really bad. I pushed a really good friend away, permanently. I think so at least. I want to. I just end up hurting people. I don't want to. I have no idea why, but deep down I think it is because I want them to feel my pain. I guess I am selfish in that way. I cried a lot today. More than usual. I'm kinda getting to the point of feeling so down that I start to feel numb. I like that part, at least I feel nothing. No pain. Apathetic.

With all this sleeplessness my jaw has been clinching down. I don't know if anyone else with insomnia gets that, but it hurts really bad. My sister was suppose to get dinner with me tonight. But like I said she doesn't care. She thinks a lot of the stuff I do is for attention, but she'll realize soon enough I was really in this pain. Emotional pain is the worst. With physical there is always a remedy. Like Tylenol or ice. Emotional it's not so easy.

Another thing that is bothering me is the thought of Julian. I can't get him out of my mind. Everything reminds me of him. I hope he is doing better than me. I really hope he still cares. Maybe he can save me? Or maybe I am not worth saving?

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