I Finally Found Myself.

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My name is Kirsten Boileau. I have no idea who I am. I lost myself along time ago, if you can even say it was myself I knew. This life I lead scares me and the life ahead scares me even more. I am really hard to figure out and I am too easy to say goodbye to. Some people say I change their lives, and I do, I ruin them. So it's best to never get to know me. I say I am complex but most of that is due to my Personality Disorders, not me myself. You will never know what I am thinking, because my mind is forever changing, as is my life. I might be here one day and leave the next. I'm a wanderer, so please step back and let me go. Because things never do really change, do they?

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Saturday, September 18, 2010 (Part 2)

I really hate how everyone thinks I'm like (depressed, angry, ect.) because of my ex boyfriend Julian. I was going down when I was with him. That is one of the reasons why we aren't together, I didn't want to bring him down with me any longer. I don't want to bring anyone down with me. But I always seem to do, and I hate it.

People care, that's the problem. They barely know you, but they see you write something depressing and all the sudden care about you. Thinking "maybe I'm the person who will end up saving her". I mean it's nice that they can care, but they don't even know me. And they can't save me this time, no one can.

I have a plan, and I am going to stick to it. I know how I am going to die and when it's going to happen. That is a secret I am not going to share with anyone. This is my life and I am going to be the one to decide what to do with it. And living is not on the top of my list.

My Step-mom asked me if I have a bucket-list and I said no. Now I am thinking about the stuff I want to do before I die and I am still coming up with nothing. I promised her that I would see her again before I die. Because I did her hair and she had a friend who killed himself after he did her hair.

I feel so numb and empty, it scares me. But it also reassures me. Reassures me that I will go through with the plan. No one wants to live a hollow life with a side of numbness, do they?

I don't....

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