I Finally Found Myself.

My photo
My name is Kirsten Boileau. I have no idea who I am. I lost myself along time ago, if you can even say it was myself I knew. This life I lead scares me and the life ahead scares me even more. I am really hard to figure out and I am too easy to say goodbye to. Some people say I change their lives, and I do, I ruin them. So it's best to never get to know me. I say I am complex but most of that is due to my Personality Disorders, not me myself. You will never know what I am thinking, because my mind is forever changing, as is my life. I might be here one day and leave the next. I'm a wanderer, so please step back and let me go. Because things never do really change, do they?

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Thursday, September 9, 2010- To Julian

I'm going to do something a little different tonight. I'm going to finally tell you who Julian, then I am going to write him a letter. Though I know he will never read it.

I didn't know why I have been thinking about him so much lately, then I figured it out. I have been so down, and Julian is the only thing in this world who was able to bring me up. Julian was my best friend. Julian was my fiancee. He was and forever will be the love of my life. We dated for about a year and a half. But like all others my bipolar and sudden outbursts and the breaking up and getting back together was too much. I have nothing bad to say about that boy, because he was the closest thing to perfect I have ever met or seen. And I regret the fact that we broke up more than anything in this world. I miss him. I always will. We don't talk anymore because I broke his heart. I hurt him so bad. I killed him. And I failed him. He said if I ever try to talk to him again, he'll call the cops.

You want to know the fucked up part? That when I feel the worst, the lowest, all I can think about is "God I really hope Julian is okay, and his life is good." I really want the best for him, he deserves it. I just wish I could talk to him. God it kills me. Literally is killing me.


I failed you. And that hurts so much to say. We promised each other not to fail. And I did. I broke up with you for the last time. And I regret that more than my life it's self. I killed you, but you are not the only one who died that day. Without you there hasn't been a ray of sun. Without you I will never see the sun again. I am so sorry for everything I did, from the bottom of my heart. I want you to know I appreciated everything you have every done for me, for us. I just had the worst way of showing it. I am so sorry about the dogs. If I could go back in time, I would have never brought Zuki, thus meaning never getting Mojo. I'm sorry I was mean, manipulative, cruel, and hurtful. I have no idea why I pushed you away. And I will ask that till the day I die. Which I feel is sooner than I thought. Please remember the memories we shared. Please remember the warmth of my smile, since it has shown since we said goodbye. Remember my laughter, which hasn't been heard since you left. Julian I'm going down here. And I glad you left when you did, so I wouldn't be able to bring you down with me. And I'm so glad you aren't around to see me like this. Julian I am dying inside. And I will end up dying by my own hands. I just wish you would let me have a chance to say goodbye one last time.

I love you Julian
Forever and Always
Your Wifey

Goodbye Julian D Acevedo

No comments:

Post a Comment