I Finally Found Myself.

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My name is Kirsten Boileau. I have no idea who I am. I lost myself along time ago, if you can even say it was myself I knew. This life I lead scares me and the life ahead scares me even more. I am really hard to figure out and I am too easy to say goodbye to. Some people say I change their lives, and I do, I ruin them. So it's best to never get to know me. I say I am complex but most of that is due to my Personality Disorders, not me myself. You will never know what I am thinking, because my mind is forever changing, as is my life. I might be here one day and leave the next. I'm a wanderer, so please step back and let me go. Because things never do really change, do they?

Monday, September 6, 2010

Monday, September 6, 2010

So I was right, I didn't sleep at all last night. But I sure did sleep all day. No matter how much I sleep though, it feels like it is never enough. And it was a slumber filled with nightmares. Filled with him. I woke up sweating, with Death lurking over me.

My life is full of disappointments. I really wanted to go to Orlando tonight, but yet again a disappointment. Why do I even give myself the hope? It was so perfect no plans tomorrow so I could have stayed the night. But whatever. Nothing I can do now. I go back to Orlando Wednesday to see if I can even go back to school. And I'll be with my parents so I know I won't get to see any of my friends in O-town. If I can't go back to school I will be broken beyond repair. I love Aveda and I want to finish my education there. No one else even compares.

Wednesday I also find out if I can walk without my boots on. I have been walking without them, but I would get my shoes so my heels won't hurt in regular shoes. I had both achilles tendons stretched three inches because I was a tippy toe walker, and they never grew the right size.

I know eventually I will die by suicide. I knew that ever since I was 16 when I first tried to die. I just don't know when that is going to happen. But boy has it been on my mind lately. I'm trying to stay strong, but you can only fake a facade for so long.

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