I Finally Found Myself.

My photo
My name is Kirsten Boileau. I have no idea who I am. I lost myself along time ago, if you can even say it was myself I knew. This life I lead scares me and the life ahead scares me even more. I am really hard to figure out and I am too easy to say goodbye to. Some people say I change their lives, and I do, I ruin them. So it's best to never get to know me. I say I am complex but most of that is due to my Personality Disorders, not me myself. You will never know what I am thinking, because my mind is forever changing, as is my life. I might be here one day and leave the next. I'm a wanderer, so please step back and let me go. Because things never do really change, do they?

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Friday, September 3, 2010

I took a shower for the first time in six days. I have no idea why I couldn’t muster the courage to get in. Back in forth I would get undressed turn on the water, just to turn it straight off again. It’s hard for me to see why the first thing to go when you get into these depression spells is hygiene. I use to take two showers a day! Showers were somewhat a sanctuary; I would lie down in the shower and let the steam carry away all my sorrows. I just can’t see why I can’t just get into the shower anymore. It scares me. I don’t even remember the last time I brushed my teeth. It’s like I am rotting away, and honestly all I hope is that the rotting hurries up. Death has popped into my head in out again. Nothing I do these days can push it permanently out. So it was bound to come around again, as it always does. First it’s like a little thought, and then it takes over. It sometimes becomes overwhelming. That is when I pop in another sleeping pill and go off to la la land. I slept pretty well. Almost the whole day, which is what I am aiming for so I don’t have to worry about anything except dreams, but sometimes I am even haunted there.

I have been on my new medications for five days and all I notice is the mania is suppressed. I guess I should let you into my world and tell you what I have. My whole life, I have been a little off, a little angry, with frequent outburst. My mother thought it was just because of red dye (which does increase anger with children with ADHD). But my out burst where so big and so HUGE that my parents had to restrain me. They had to change the lock on the door, just so they could lock me in. Something was wrong with me and I knew I would have this trouble my whole life, and I was right. At the age 16 I was officially diagnosed Bipolar, ADHD, OCD, Conversion disorder, Anxiety and many other psychological problems. At the age I am now (20) I am now diagnosed with another and the worst diagnosis there is to have in my view. Treatment Resistant Bipolar I disorder. Which you can go and read about because I am just going to go over the basics.

1. Treatment Resistant means medicine does not work
2. Bipolar I is the more dangerous of the two polars, you reach full mania
3. You have to be on special medication

So I have just been given Geodon and Equetro five days ago. Both for Treatment resistant da da da da da. And so far still in the deep low. They said it may take up to four weeks, so all I can do basically… is wait. Equetro can make me very sick fast, so I need to get my blood drawn every week to make sure I don’t get sick. So it also makes me look like I have tracks. Yay, the benefits of this drug. This is my last hope, so I hope it works. Anyways back to bed.

No comments:

Post a Comment