I don't even know what to say, or where to start. I really just don't know anything anymore. My lows are so hard to get through. And they are happening all the time. I have never had such rapid cycles... so why do I have them now? I am so confused. I'm getting scared of myself. Scared of my thoughts. Scared what I can end up doing. I will never hurt anybody if you are thinking that, I'm talking about myself. Everyone keeps saying it get's better. Stay positive. But no, it hasn't gotten better, and no I can't stay positive.
I found myself looking more at suicide. I downloaded a book, it's in french and is not translated english. The title translated into english is "Suicide, the Right to Die". In the back of the book there is a list of pills you can overdose on for a painless-know-you-will-die death. But the more I think about it, I think "Wow, this would be it. No more Kirsten. This would be the very VERY end of it all." And honestly I don't feel scared. And I don't mind the thought of no longer existing. I know if I die now I will be ready.
I can no longer tell how much more I can hold on. No longer see hope. And when hope is gone, just about everything is gone. I just feel so empty inside. So hollow. And the little bit that I have inside me, is sorrow and pain. Something feels like it is gnawing at my heart, constantly, no stop. I know if I die, I will hurt so many people. But that is why I have been preparing them. That is why I told them. Why I promised my parents they would not be the ones to find my body.
I need help, but there is no helping the damned.
Like I said, I knew I was going to end my life by my owns hands when I first tried to end my life at 16.
There is no saving me...
I've tried everything. I have been in therapy since I was 11. They have tried everything. And nothing has helped. Honestly, tell me if you would want to live a life like mine. Tell me you could be strong. Tell me you would fight when there was absolutely no hope.
There is just no helping me....
I Finally Found Myself.
- Kiki Stop Breathing
- My name is Kirsten Boileau. I have no idea who I am. I lost myself along time ago, if you can even say it was myself I knew. This life I lead scares me and the life ahead scares me even more. I am really hard to figure out and I am too easy to say goodbye to. Some people say I change their lives, and I do, I ruin them. So it's best to never get to know me. I say I am complex but most of that is due to my Personality Disorders, not me myself. You will never know what I am thinking, because my mind is forever changing, as is my life. I might be here one day and leave the next. I'm a wanderer, so please step back and let me go. Because things never do really change, do they?