I Finally Found Myself.

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My name is Kirsten Boileau. I have no idea who I am. I lost myself along time ago, if you can even say it was myself I knew. This life I lead scares me and the life ahead scares me even more. I am really hard to figure out and I am too easy to say goodbye to. Some people say I change their lives, and I do, I ruin them. So it's best to never get to know me. I say I am complex but most of that is due to my Personality Disorders, not me myself. You will never know what I am thinking, because my mind is forever changing, as is my life. I might be here one day and leave the next. I'm a wanderer, so please step back and let me go. Because things never do really change, do they?

Friday, September 10, 2010

Friday, September 10, 2010

I don't even know what to say, or where to start. I really just don't know anything anymore. My lows are so hard to get through. And they are happening all the time. I have never had such rapid cycles... so why do I have them now? I am so confused. I'm getting scared of myself. Scared of my thoughts. Scared what I can end up doing. I will never hurt anybody if you are thinking that, I'm talking about myself. Everyone keeps saying it get's better. Stay positive. But no, it hasn't gotten better, and no I can't stay positive.

I found myself looking more at suicide. I downloaded a book, it's in french and is not translated english. The title translated into english is "Suicide, the Right to Die". In the back of the book there is a list of pills you can overdose on for a painless-know-you-will-die death. But the more I think about it, I think "Wow, this would be it. No more Kirsten. This would be the very VERY end of it all." And honestly I don't feel scared. And I don't mind the thought of no longer existing. I know if I die now I will be ready.

I can no longer tell how much more I can hold on. No longer see hope. And when hope is gone, just about everything is gone. I just feel so empty inside. So hollow. And the little bit that I have inside me, is sorrow and pain. Something feels like it is gnawing at my heart, constantly, no stop. I know if I die, I will hurt so many people. But that is why I have been preparing them. That is why I told them. Why I promised my parents they would not be the ones to find my body.

I need help, but there is no helping the damned.
Like I said, I knew I was going to end my life by my owns hands when I first tried to end my life at 16.
There is no saving me...

I've tried everything. I have been in therapy since I was 11. They have tried everything. And nothing has helped. Honestly, tell me if you would want to live a life like mine. Tell me you could be strong. Tell me you would fight when there was absolutely no hope.

There is just no helping me....


  1. I think this is a growing trend of bipolar. I've been getting closer cycles too. They've been lasting about a week then I'll be good for a day or two, maybe go up for a day then I crash right back down.

    I feel lost, lonely, paranoid that every little thing someone say is some attack at me. I get to the point that I will read a status from someone I barely talk to and think it's an attack at me. I'll overhear conversations and think they're talking about me and it just pushes me farther down. Deep inside I know for a fact I'm just paranoid but I can't help it, I flip out and it just makes things worse.

    Believe me, I've been as far down as you are, at times I still am. I can clearly tell either I have a lighter case of it or I handle it differently. Either way I'm not going to say mine or your case is worse cause we can never know. I will tell you one thing though, it is manageable. I know everyone is saying that, everyone is trying to just say the "best thing to help" but it's true. Now I'm not gonna sugar coat it, it sucks, it's tough as hell to do, I barely manage myself. But it's possible and I'm here if you need help to do it. Now I know you'll just go off about how it's not possible and you're gonna end it and stuff but try to at least entertain the idea. If you want it I'll be there to help but you gotta be willing to help yourself as well, I'll be your shoulder to hold you up when it gets too bad but I can't carry you the whole way.

    I'm here though. :)

  2. Hello troubled one. Your phyical illness has created a mental illness. Yours is among the toughest to treat, there is no cure, only coping.

    If you look beyond your own life, you'll see people, things, places, etc., that will provide other things for you to think about, learn, experience and enjoy.

    Read my blog if you like. I have poems and short stories posted there. Maybe you'll like them.

    This is my first look at your blog, so I will read more.

    Be kind to yourself. Know that you are unique and loved. xo


  3. I felt this way a lot when I was 16 (and when I was 20). I felt things with such a keen edge - good things, bad things - that it all seemed to have a shocking, glaring brightness to it. Like there was nothing bigger at that moment in time, and like that moment in time was going to last forever, and I was stuck in the spotlight of a destiny I couldn't avoid. And to be honest, it felt good - it felt really good feeling so strongly, so intensely, so singularly about everything. It was exciting and I felt so alive, even when I was thinking about death. I studied it, and savored it, and fiddled with it like a sore tooth - it hurt so bad but felt so good to feel the pain.

    I would go up and down, up and down - and the highs and lows quickened, perhaps because I studied them so intently, almost to the exclusion of everything else. And I felt when I was down that I learned so much - about myself, about the world, about life. I danced at the edge of the abyss willingly, and while yes, I was probably quite depressed, I danced willingly at the edge of the abyss.

    I wasn't much older than you are now when I realized something - I had spent so much time staring into that abyss, without going over the edge, that I was stronger, and I was wiser, and I knew so much more about myself and the world than I would have thought possible. And amazingly, the cycle reversed - my highs got higher, and they came more rapidly after a down time. And I never believed I could feel that good.

    I was 20 years old in 1983, and I can STILL feel every sweet moment of pain, and of searching, and of redemption of myself. I danced on the edge (and still dance close to the edge every once in a while) without going over the edge. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

    I have a 12 year old daughter, and an 11 month old daughter. I tell one, and will tell the other - from hard-earned experience - never forget one thing: "Life is about the highs and the lows; however you feel, in this moment - good or bad - it is going to change. And then it is going to change again, and again, and again ...." I tell them that because I wish someone had told me that - I wouldn't change a thing, but perhaps I would have been better prepared understanding that the neighborhood I was in was not at the end of a dead end road, but rather just a passing point on the road from who I was to who I was to become.

    What do you want this to be - the sad story forgotten in a month?; or the fond recollection of a youth spent living so closely, so intensely, so nakedly on the edge? I think you owe it to yourself and everyone else to do the latter - and you can do it. If I could, you can.

    "And when you gaze long into the abyss, the abyss also stares into you" - Nietzsche

    K (aka @irant)

  4. I just want to say that I understand you. I at times feel like I don't belong here. What is life? Why do we exist?? Certain things are unexplainable..I'm 28 and I don't have any psychiatric diagnoses. However, most of us go through these up and down. And some of us are more sensitive and aware, I would say. Yes, you can get away from those thoughts that bother you, or people that bother you, or everyday life boredom. I guess some of us grow out of this stage.. There is no real advice I could give you except for trying to find something in life that makes you feel complete and worthy. We are all here for a reason. You just haven't found yours yet..keep searching

  5. You are such a beautiful girl and by just reading your blog I can tell you are very intelligent as well. You have so much life to live. Don't give up now. This feeling of doom will pass. Everyday there are new medications and treatments. You appear to be a very strong woman. Hold on and look forward to brighter days. I know they are coming. I will pray for your happiness.