I Finally Found Myself.

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My name is Kirsten Boileau. I have no idea who I am. I lost myself along time ago, if you can even say it was myself I knew. This life I lead scares me and the life ahead scares me even more. I am really hard to figure out and I am too easy to say goodbye to. Some people say I change their lives, and I do, I ruin them. So it's best to never get to know me. I say I am complex but most of that is due to my Personality Disorders, not me myself. You will never know what I am thinking, because my mind is forever changing, as is my life. I might be here one day and leave the next. I'm a wanderer, so please step back and let me go. Because things never do really change, do they?

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Saturday September 4, 2010 (Part 2)

Josh isn't going to the party so neither am I.

I guess I should lay out a serious part of me that happening. Remember that Death is haunting me, well this is what Death is to me.

I will never over dose again. NEVER. Too much work, and I always got caught OR I just never seemed to die no matter how much I took. So when I talk about Death, I mean about the ways to die. I have the perfect way to die in mind. In my eyes. And when Death comes talking to me, I listen (sometimes). It is so hard to ignore. I'm not saying I would never kill myself. Because honestly I think the ways things are going I might just be dead by 30 and by my own hands. But not anytime soon. You should see me. I lay in bed all day only waking up to cry in a ball. I'm hurting my dad, because he sees how much pain I am in, and that hurts. So much hurts right now. SO much I can't bare it. I don't know how I didn't off myself yet. I guess there is a small piece of me that lingers onto hope. My sister and my mom don't seem to care what's going on. Only my dad sees how bad it's gotten, and I see even fear in his eyes, fear he'll lose me. I guess he might even see the fear on my face. The fear that it could happen. My mom comes in and out of my room and tells me to read this book, it mentions suicide and what happens when people kills themselves. Thanks mom, that all?

Supposedly she believes that when you kill yourself you stay here. And you walk around constantly saying you are sorry to your love ones, because you really didn't want to die. With the people you love not being able to see you, but you being able to see them. You know what, if God can forgive a criminal on death row if he says "I accept Jesus as my Personal Savior", then the criminal goes to Heaven after killing 20 children? Then why can't this God forgive someone who struggling so much in life that their only way out to them is too die? He can't forgive them? What kind of God is that? Not mine. You have no idea what true hopelessness feels like, and until you do, you have no room to talk. People (like my mom) say God gives you only the struggles that you can handle.... then why is there people who are killing themselves because they can't handle life?

Uh, anyways. Suicide is selfish. It really is. Then why do I keep trying to do it?
My parents, will be devastated if I ever do it again. I doubt there is anything I can say in this world to make them understand what I am going through. I'm struggling and to me it's so hard to find someone who understands, which makes it so SO much harder on me. I have no one to talk to about these feelings. My friends would just stare about me like I am so crazy chick, which I feel like I am. But I can't talk to them like I would want to. So this is partly why I am writing this diary... to get it all out. And hopefully it might just save my life.

1 comment:

  1. It will save more than just your life... people will know that they arent alone in thier thoughts of suicide. YOUR strength can give hope to others.